Monday, June 4, 2012

Moments

Life is made up of moments. You collect these moments in your memory and you carry them with you and they define who you are, for better or for worse. There are moments that bring you complete and utter joy and there are moments that make you want to weep of sadness or frustration and and there are moments that go unacknowledged and marked as insignificant, stored away in the back of your memory rarely to be thought of again. All these moments exist simultaneously in your memory.

There are those moments, though, that are so overwhelming that they take over all the other moments. Those moments that are played over and over again in your memory. All other moments seem to pale in comparison. It may be one of those near perfect moments that you wish you could relive forever or it may be one of those tragic moments you wish you could forget.

These moments, in particular, are the moments that define you. These moments motivate you to make certain decisions and these decisions lead to new defining moments. These are the the moments that shape your entire life, whether you like it or not. These are the moments you will carry with you forever. These are the moments that will mark periods of time in your life.You will look back on those moments and realize that something in your life changed because of that one moment. You became a different person because of that moment.

It could be an event, a conversation, a realization. Whatever it is, it will be marked as significant and you will never forget it. You may move on and recall this moment less and less, but you will not forget it because that moment changed you, shaped you. It made you who you are today and that you will not forget.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Opposite sides.

There's just something about looking through old pictures of friends that always brings me overwhelming feelings of sadness and gratefulness. I look at pictures and memories of the moments the pictures were taken come rushing to mind and I feel sad that those moments are over, but also I feel extremely grateful that I was able to have those moments and have something to remind me of it.

This picture, for instance. Even though it's blurry and we all look a little silly, I remember this moment and I remember how much fun that night was and how happy I felt and I am so grateful for these friends. I miss them more than I can put into words when I'm looking at this picture and I wish I could be with them. But I can look at this picture and feel so blessed that I can call these people my friends.

I made the decision to leave the place where these friends are and when looking at this picture and thinking about how much I love them, it is really difficult to not regret my decision to leave. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. And maybe it was. I don't know if I can ever be sure of that. But in this moment, all I know is that those people are great people and anyone would be lucky to have them as friends and I so very lucky to know them. I can only hope that these friendships last no matter where we go in life.

I've learned that life is very unpredictable and it will take us to places we never dreamed of going and sometimes those places will be far from the people we care about. And frankly, that just sucks. But real friendships will last no matter where we end up. And right now, that's enough to keep me going. Knowing that I have people like that I can still call my friends even though we live on opposite sides of the country.

It's the simple things.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in what is not quite right in my life. It can be all too easy to be consumed by feelings of sadness and loneliness and forget to appreciate the simple pleasures in life.

While I'm in the midst of searching for some kind of happiness in my life, I sometimes can only see the things that are making me unhappy, but I sometimes take pleasure in simple moments that I don't think many people always take the time to notice.

Something as simple as the smell of the rain or the beauty of leaves falling from trees and the peaceful movements of a stream. Or something as simple as someone smiling and saying hello and a silly joke made by a professor or  a good song. I'm not blind to these things. There are still things that bring me pleasure and small moments of joy and put a smile on my face.

But I'm still looking for something and I can't really feel true happiness or joy until I find it. I don't know what it is, exactly, but I know that I'm missing something that leaves me feeling a little empty. And sometimes that emptiness consumes me and I just want to find the something that will make it go away.

But that emptiness isn't everything. I know that. And I know I can't let it consume me. And I won't. Because I know I can be a better person than that. There are so many great things in life and I will not be ignorant of that no matter how broken I am.

I know that life is a mix of happiness and sadness and you can't really have one without the other. You can't know happiness until you've known sadness and pain. Everyone will be broken at some point in their lives and that can be such a good thing because brokenness can lead you to search for something better and you will appreciate so much more.

There are times when I am absolutely certain that there is something great waiting for me. There is some small part of me that knows that and feels it down to my very core. I can do good things. I know it. But maybe I just need to work through this and come out of it stronger than before.

I am not entirely hopeless. Not always. While there are moments when I feel like I will never get out of this, there are also moments when that small part of me knows better.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

So completely.

Six months ago, something happened that left me so completely broken. In one single moment, my life came to a stop and I've been wandering in a fog ever since feeling so lost and afraid, and more than anything, lonely. So completely lonely.

For the first time in my life, the only thing I want is to feel happy and not so lonely. I never wanted that before the something that happened. Before, I was content to be content. What I wanted was for other people to be happy. I had a goal to make a difference in the lives of other people and hopefully leave them with a little happiness. And I would be content with that even if I wasn't necessarily happy.

But just wanting to be happy has left me hating myself. I want to be the person who looks for the happiness for other people, but ever since the something that happened, I seemed to have lost that desire. And I hate it. And I hate that I hate it because I hate to hate myself.

The funny thing is, when my life first stopped, it didn't feel so bad. Don't get me wrong here, it felt bad. Horrible, even. But it was a different kind of horrible, I think, because I didn't hate myself then. Even though I felt completely hopeless and so completely afraid, I still felt like a good person. A good, strong person who could still be happy.

But now, I'm just broken and I know I can't put the pieces back together myself. My spirit is shattered and happiness feels so completely unattainable. And all I can think about is how impossible happiness feels. I feel as if I will never be happy again because I am so broken and no one can put me back together again.

And so I am left as a person broken and alone and self-loathing. And that is no way to live. And I know that. And I don't know what to do about it. But all I can do is think about it. I tell myself over and over how this is no way to live, but right now, I don't know how else to live.

And so that is my problem. And what do I do about it? I haven't the slightest idea.