So completely.

Six months ago, something happened that left me so completely broken. In one single moment, my life came to a stop and I've been wandering in a fog ever since feeling so lost and afraid, and more than anything, lonely. So completely lonely.

For the first time in my life, the only thing I want is to feel happy and not so lonely. I never wanted that before the something that happened. Before, I was content to be content. What I wanted was for other people to be happy. I had a goal to make a difference in the lives of other people and hopefully leave them with a little happiness. And I would be content with that even if I wasn't necessarily happy.

But just wanting to be happy has left me hating myself. I want to be the person who looks for the happiness for other people, but ever since the something that happened, I seemed to have lost that desire. And I hate it. And I hate that I hate it because I hate to hate myself.

The funny thing is, when my life first stopped, it didn't feel so bad. Don't get me wrong here, it felt bad. Horrible, even. But it was a different kind of horrible, I think, because I didn't hate myself then. Even though I felt completely hopeless and so completely afraid, I still felt like a good person. A good, strong person who could still be happy.

But now, I'm just broken and I know I can't put the pieces back together myself. My spirit is shattered and happiness feels so completely unattainable. And all I can think about is how impossible happiness feels. I feel as if I will never be happy again because I am so broken and no one can put me back together again.

And so I am left as a person broken and alone and self-loathing. And that is no way to live. And I know that. And I don't know what to do about it. But all I can do is think about it. I tell myself over and over how this is no way to live, but right now, I don't know how else to live.

And so that is my problem. And what do I do about it? I haven't the slightest idea.